Moon Cow

Moon Cow (and other Sci Fi stories)

This book is a collection of 7 sci fi stories and 1 poem. It's going to be the second book that I'm trying to publish. Since I'm not planning to publish it until 2015, I'll leave you with the first story in this collection. Please enjoy (and I hope you'll laugh):

Moon Cow

John Caliburn

Once upon a time, in the early 20th century, a man saw a cow on the moon. When he told people about it, they locked him up in a psychiatric hospital. It was for his own good.
    But as the years went by, more and more people started saying that they could see a cow on the moon. Eventually, a few scientists decided to humor these people and tried to look for the cow as well. Since these scientists were pompous intellectuals, they didn't really believe that there was a cow on the moon. They were actually trying to disprove this stupid hoax. So they took a look through their giant, fancy telescope.
    They saw the cow.
    They rubbed their eyes and looked again. The cow was still there. They weren't imagining it. There was a cow on the moon. It looked like any regular old cow you could find on Earth. It was the right size and shape. There were white and black patches on it. Everything about the cow was normal. Except it was on the moon.
    After the moon cow was proven to be real, it caused a huge sensation all over the Earth. And in a certain psychiatric hospital, the man who originally saw the cow was released. They sent him back to the outside world with their apologies and a fruit basket. The man stormed off.
    Time went on and the sensation of the moon cow continued to spread. Books and movies were made about the cow. Teachers would teach their students about the cow in class. Scientists from all over the world would gather together and theorize about the cow. They tried to explain its existence and talked about the impossibility of the whole thing. If an outsider listened in on their conversations, it would sound like these college graduated intellectuals were smoking weed. Seriously, they were talking about a cow on the moon.
    The scientists eventually experimented on the cows on Earth to try to come up with an answer. Weird electrodes were placed on the cows' heads. Gallons of milk and piss were tested. They even tried to see what would happen if they made the cows run. It was a strange sight to see a bunch of scientists trying to force a herd of fat cows to run. You can bet the cows looked pissed off. In the end, the scientists couldn't find an answer. All they had left were just a bunch of theories.
    But it wasn't just the scientists who theorized about the moon cow. Everyone on the planet had to give their own two cents on what they thought the cow was. One day a talk show came on the air, asking random people to call in and give their opinion about the moon cow.
    The talk show host, Jay Effing, faced the camera. "It's time for our first caller. Hello, George. You're on the air."
    "Hey Jay! Whoa! I can't believe I got on!"
    The host smiled. "We're happy to hear from you. So what are your thoughts about this moon cow?"
    "Well, I think the cow is a robot."
    "A robot?"
    "Yeah. I mean there is no air on the moon, right? And real cows need air. But a robot doesn't need to breathe. I know this because I work on a farm."
    "Okay. Well, thank you for your opinion." Jay paused for a second. "Now it's time for our next caller. Hello, Vince. You're on the air."
    "Oh my god! I'm on the air! Hey Mom! Mom! I'm on TV! I'm famous."
    Jay flinched at the loud voice. "Okay, well let's just dial it down a notch. So, what is your theory on what the moon cow is?"
    "Well Jay, I think the whole world is trippin' balls."
    "Okay..." The host just stared at the camera. "So you think that everyone in the entire world is just hallucinating?"
    "Yeah, someone must have dumped a ton of good stuff in the water or something."
    "So Vince, do you take drugs?"
    "Me? No. I don't touch that stuff. I've been clean for almost two weeks now. Just ask my counselor."
    The host cut off the caller. She quickly regretted her job as calls after calls flooded in, each one even crazier than the last. Someone said the cow could just be a hologram, while another mentioned that he thought the cow was something made by the government to distract people from Area 51. Someone even called in and said the cow was a god.
    And soon after that a whole new cult was born, called Heiferism. All the followers of this cult worshipped the cow, which they named Luna, because gods should have a proper name. The leader of this cow cult was a filthy rich guy who built a church for the followers to congregate around. The church was a new, state of the art observatory with a big ass telescope that always pointed towards the moon.
    In this church, the leader would wear synthetic udders on his head and preach his sermons to the hundreds of followers, which grew into tens of thousands over the years. He would talk about the beliefs that all the cult followers would share. "Heiferists! Luna watches over us from the moon," he said as he pointed up. "She says that thou shall drink milk, the nurturing fluid of our beloved god, three times a day! And once a month, during the full moon, thou shall face the moon and pray to our god to show our love and respect. But also, and this is the most important part, beef is now forbidden, for thou shall not devour the Earth brethren of our god, Luna!"
    Needless to say, a lot of steak lovers left the cult after hearing some of these beliefs. But the rest of the followers took those words to heart. Some of them even gathered around farms and protested the butchering of cows. The extreme cult members even broke into these farms and tried to free the cows. Although they found it very difficult to move a stubborn animal that could easily weigh over a thousand pounds.
    Indeed, the cult was a den of crazy people, but believe it or not, there were even crazier people out there, known as scientists. They wanted to actually go to the moon! Can you believe it? What a bunch of weirdoes.
    The moon has been there for who knows how long. It was just a lump of rock in the night sky. No one really thought about going to the moon. And even if they did, it would take millions of dollars. Who would spend that much money to touch a rock?
    However, with the sensation of the moon cow, people started to get interested about visiting the moon. Many countries thought over the problem, but Russia was the first to take action. One day, they launched a small satellite into space. They didn't really get any information on the cow, but that event fired up a race to the moon between Russia and the US. This race became known as the Cow Race. In hindsight, that was a terrible name for the greatest event in human history. Some people wished for a better name, like maybe something that rhymed.
    Other countries also tried to reach the moon, but they were too slow. It was down to the wire with only America and Russia in the lead. They were neck and neck as they launched more and more advance satellites just to get a few inches closer to the moon cow. Eventually, they started to send people into space. And these people will forever be remembered in our hearts.
    It was a challenging race, full of sweat and tears and bad tasting coffee. People around the world would tune in to watch the progress of the race, especially since there were only a limited number of good TV shows back then.
    And one day, in 1969, the Cow Race was over. The US won!
    American scientists had assembled a team of astronauts that were both brave enough and crazy enough to go through the latest attempt of reaching the moon. This team was commanded by a leader with strong arms who probably worked out a lot in the gym.
    The astronauts were launched into space and, after a difficult journey, they managed to land on the moon with no one dying. Now was the moment that would forever be televised in history. The leader stepped out of the ship and said those famous words. "One small step for--"
    He was cut off in mid-speech because Mission Control was shouting at him. "What the hell are you waiting for? Get to the cow already! We want to see the cow!"
    Everyone who was glued to the screen was shouting at him. After waiting decades to get some answers about the cow, they were a teensy bit impatient. Tired of nothing but speculations and theories, their curiosity had reached its boiling point. No one wanted to hear a speech and wait a second longer.
    The team leader was a little upset at the interruption. He had been working on that speech for weeks. But it was time to get back to the mission. The ship had landed about half a mile from the cow. The astronauts headed over there.
    When the moon cow was in front of them, they stared at it for awhile. Decades of questions were about to be answered. Was the cow real? If it was, then how was it still alive? The astronauts were wearing spacesuits that protected them from the harshness of the moon's environment. How did the cow survive on this chunk of rock with no oxygen and temperatures colder than Antarctica?
    As they stood there, the cow slowly lifted its head and suddenly a bright light flashed, then faded away, revealing a tuft of grass that was floating in front of the cow's face. The moon cow chewed on the grass like it was the most natural thing in the world.
    The astronauts were shocked. They looked around, trying to find out where the grass came from. The leader, overcoming his surprise, realized that something was keeping the cow alive. He wondered if there was air and heat around the moon cow, but wasn't willing to remove his helmet to check.
    All of the astronauts eventually settled down. They didn't have time to look surprised. Their mission was to bring the cow back to Earth to be thoroughly examined and probed, maybe even anally. Taking a deep breath, the commanding leader carefully walked over and, with shaking fingers, touched the cow. He snapped his hand back when the moon cow suddenly turned its head to look at the astronauts. Its glazed eyes were now bright. It then opened its mouth and spoke the four words that the people of Earth would forever spend their lives trying to decipher. The moon cow said, "Took you long enough."
    A blue shaft of light surrounded the cow.
    The astronauts stumbled back and looked up. Holy Mother of Luna there was a freaking flying saucer hovering over the cow! It was shooting down a beam of light, lifting the heavy cow off the ground until it floated up and into the saucer. And then the light vanished. The astronauts could do nothing but watch as the flying saucer fired up its engines and flew away until it blinked out of existence.
    The moon cow was gone, taken away in a UFO. The astronauts were stunned. They didn't know what to do. The leader at least had the sense to call it in. "Mission Control, ... uh ... the cow is gone. Please advise."
    Everyone in Mission Control was stunned too. They also didn't know what to do. They just stood there with their jaws hanging open. Eventually, one of the scientists called back. "Uh ... I guess you should come back to Earth." He paused for a second. "And maybe bring back some moon rocks too. As a souvenir. So the whole trip won't be a waste."
    Shoulders slumped, the astronauts walked back to their ship and picked up some disappointing moon rocks on the way. They rode their ship back home with questions left unanswered.

Meanwhile, as the Earthlings were left dejected, the aliens were laughing and having a good time aboard their flying saucer. "Did you see the look on that Earthling's face when the cow talked to him?" That alien laughed as he skittered over to the cow that was now on board their ship. He phased a device out of the cow's mouth and then gave it some more grass to eat.
    Another alien piped up. "How about when we used the tractor beam to bring up the cow? All those Earthlings were looking up with their mouths wide open." He stretched out his mandibles in imitation. All the aliens laughed again.
    "Abducting that cow was worth it."
    "Yeah, that was fun. What should we do next?"
    "I don't know. How about we go show the Neptunians some fire? That would scare those icy guys out of their minds."
    The aliens laughed. "Okay, let's do it."
    They hyper jumped towards Neptune.
    As the decades and centuries passed on Earth, many people would wonder about the events that took place on the moon. But they would never guess that the greatest achievement in human history was brought forth by a couple of teenage aliens pulling a prank.

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